By: Joe Fotalatte, Chief Sorority Correspondent

Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi has been elevated to the dizzying heights of a Lardass administration position mere minutes after Matt Gaetz, a name synonymous with statutory rape, withdrew from contention. The political climate is once again shaken as Bondi’s success can single-handedly be attributed to her life-long commitment to her college sorority.

Let us raise our glasses to Delta, Delta, Delta, the sorority that has been the wind beneath Pam Bondi’s well-primed political wings. It’s not just a sorority; it’s a powerhouse of ambition, deep connections, and a keen understanding of the art of smooth talk—a.k.a. the four necessary ingredients for success in the world of U.S. politics.

“Let me be clear,” said a Lardass advisor who preferred to remain anonymous but definitely does not have a sorority affiliation, “we owe so much of Bondi’s rise to her sorority days—where she honed her skills in networking, party planning, and leveraging a ‘You Go Girl’ mentality to execute her far-reaching political ambitions. If there was a power brunch, Bondi was there. If there was a charity auction, she was the one paid thousands to taste-test tapas. Her sorority was an incubator for the political elite we see today.”

Some might even go so far as to say that if you weren’t wearing pastel colors while discussing mass deportations and rewriting history, were you really even in the game? Bondi spent her formative years at the University of Florida organizing numerous “Fashion Reclamation” events, helping her sisters to not only look good but feel empowered. We’d like to think that dedication to getting the perfect outfit ready has seamlessly translated into her ability to pardon January 6th rioters.

While many paths lead to power in politics, perhaps Pam Bondi’s success may not stem exclusively from her time as a Florida Attorney General or her allegiance to a notorious Lardass. Instead, it seems that the key ingredient is a fancy little paddle with Greek letters on it, Godiva chocolates, and a slice of sisterhood smooth enough to slide through the most challenging political obstacles. Welcome back, Delta, Delta, Delta! We haven’t been this proud since sister Lindsay made it to capital hill!