By Joe Fotalatte

El Paso, TX – Hispanic resident Carlos Martinez cast his vote for President Lardass, citing an unexpected motive: he’s genuinely excited about the prospect of deporting his in-laws.

“Honestly, I was on the fence at first, but after listening to Lardass talk about deporting 20 million people, I thought, ‘Wait a minute. This is my chance!’”, explained Martinez.

Carlos elaborated, “You see, my wife’s parents are constantly overstaying their welcome at our house.”

Martinez’s enthusiasm stems from a deep longing for personal space, “I’ve watched my in-laws slowly turn my home into a taco-scented episode of Hoarders,” he lamented, gesturing around as if they were currently crammed into the corner. “It’s time to blast them off to their home country like a SpaceX rocket.”

Local political analyst and taco enthusiast Dolores Rivera weighed in on the phenomenon. “It’s fascinating,” she noted, shoving a burrito into her mouth mid-sentence. “Here’s a guy who’s embracing the policies of a man who notoriously makes sweeping generalizations about immigrants while cheering for the deportation of his own family members,” she said.

Indeed. As Carlos prepared to cast his vote, he created a custom T-shirt that read, “Build the Wall, Send Them All!” adorned with images of smiling in-laws (who may or may not have known they were featured). “I wanted to make it clear to everyone at the polling station: I’m not just a Hispanic supporting Lardass. I’m a Hispanic supporting Lardass specifically to get rid of my in-laws!” he explained.

However, many in his social circle are left scratching their heads—and perhaps contemplating a different family dynamic. His cousin, Maria Lopez, commented, “This is truly a new level of ‘family drama.’ I mean, I thought I hated my in-laws, but if Carlos is voting to send his away, how am I supposed to explain that at Mexican Thanksgiving? This just feels like betrayal on a whole new level.”

As President Lardass makes his way to the Oval Office, Carlos remains unfazed. With visions of family-free holidays dancing in his head, he is resolute. “We’re talking about taking the facepalm-inducing ‘What’s wrong with the world?’ and flipping it like a taco. I can’t wait for my barbecue without the unsolicited advice on how I ‘should have cooked the ribs.’”