By Joe Fotalattee

Fox News has uncovered a groundbreaking new theory connecting President Joe Biden to every minor offense committed by individuals of a certain complexion. The fast-paced reporting suggested that “Biden’s policies,” which very few seem to understand, have somehow made it acceptable for brown individuals across America to engage in a variety of petty crimes such as jaywalking, littering, and stealing garden gnomes.

Fox News further declared President Joe Biden to be the mastermind behind every major crime ever committed by any brown person throughout history. “It’s like a criminal Hall of Fame, and Joe Biden is the honorary guest,” clapped Laura Ingraham.

Fox pundits have taken it upon themselves to connect seemingly unrelated crimes to Biden’s policies, adopting a brand-new playbook—”Guilt by Affiliation.” According to their ideological reasoning, a crime is inherently linked to the President as long as the accuser’s last name doesn’t rhyme with “Smith.”

“We’re seeing a significant uptick in crime in this country, and it’s all thanks to Biden’s border policies,” said Tucker Carlson, incredulously referencing historical events for additional sound bites. “You know, the Great Chicago Fire? That was probably due to Biden allowing too many immigrants into the country.”

Fox News correspondent Jesse Watters embarked on an emotional journey across the webpages of history, “Just look at kite-fighting back in the day—clear evidence that if we had better immigration policies, we wouldn’t have gotten into this mess!” he exclaimed, as viewers were shown an image of Vice President Kamala Harris struggling with a kite line.

When asked for statistical evidence to support this imaginative thesis, the network turned to a panel of “experts,” who unsurprisingly echoed a similar sentiment

“Look, immigrants are historically known to commit less crime,” admitted a mild-mannered statistician while nervously sweating under the studio lights, and immediately escorted out of the studio.

Fox News still holds President Biden accountable for “the great potato sack robberies” of the 1800s, as Fox News continues its tireless quest to link every crime—past, present, and future—to profiles of immigrants, while happily ignoring the pesky facts that stampede through their “truth-telling” otherwise.