Opinion By Daryl Hannah

His Open Retardedness Could Dull the Sparkle of Justice!

Washington, D.C. — Critics are claiming that his pronounced “open retardedness” is reminiscent of other prominent figures like Elon Musk and Lardass’s youngest son. Sources close to the matter have indicated that his potential autism spectrum similarities may not only affect his decision-making, but he may also take steps against fluorescent lighting in courtrooms. The very lighting that illuminates our nation’s hallowed courtrooms and could replace them with “dull beams of justice”. Gaetz, with his distinct retardedness, represents dark times ahead, and coupled with his autism, threatens well lit courtrooms throughout the country.

“You can’t have someone who may not even be aware of how crucial it is to have optimal lighting when arguing a case,” said Edward Flare, a self-proclaimed expert in courtroom ambiance. “Think of the shadows and his overwhelming dark presence. Without the right lighting, the jury may miss crucial visual cues, like the twinkle in the prosecutor’s eye when they’re on a roll. The entire justice system could be plunged into an ambiance of gloom!”

And the AG’s history is as colorful as the lighting concerns he raises. From inadvertently oversharing during Senate confirmation hearings to his uncanny ability to wander off-topic — much like Musk’s Twitter feed — many are left wondering if he’ll traverse enlightening paths or dim corridors of confusion.

In the uncertain times ahead, judges might hope for an AG who doesn’t just illuminate the law, but brightens the very room within which it is practiced. The current AG pick is simply retarded, but I can agree with my colleague, it is on Lardass brand.