Opinion By Daryl Hannah His Open Retardedness Could Dull the Sparkle of Justice! Washington, D.C. — Critics are claiming that his pronounced “open retardedness” is reminiscent of other prominent figures like Elon Musk and Lardass’s youngest son. Sources close to the matter have indicated that his potential autism spectrum similarities may not only affect his…

Opinion by Johnny Rocket President Lardass is set to nominate a new Attorney General who is a perfect representation of the Lardass Rape Brand. A Match Made in Rapings First and foremost, let’s talk about the candidate’s résumé. In a time when seemingly any qualifications are scrapped in favor of loyalty to the brand, this…

By Joe Fotalattee Legendary Beatle Paul McCartney has expressed profound embarrassment over a lyric from his classic hit, “Saw Her Standing There.” The lyric in question, “Just seventeen, if you know what I mean,” has become a focal point for public ire as reports surface about a prominent middle-aged candidate vying for the Attorney General…

By Joe Fotalatte Washington, D.C. — The potential future Attorney General prefers compensating underage sex workers exclusively through Venmo and PayPal.The Elf Faced Perv, with painted thin sinister eyebrows, used both methods to pay a 17-year-old prostitute repeatedly starting in the summer of 2017. “Gone are the days of cash transactions and awkward alleyway exchanges,”…

by Joe Fotalattee The controversial flavors, “Shrapnel Strip” and “Gaza Gooey Genocider,” were promising to set taste buds ablaze, and quickly nixed by Unilever, the parent company of Ben And Jerry’s. The flavors included ingredients like “war-torn wafer pieces” and “apples with sand chunks.” The company touted the offerings as a “bold commentary on world…

Gaza Strip — Twelve-year-old Ahmed Jabari, who recently lost his torso in a tragic incident involving a stray missile during a conflict, expressed deep concern over President Lardass’s appointment of a new ambassador to Israel. Ahmed, often seen playing with toy soldiers fashioned out of cardboard and duct tape, is making headlines for his keen…

By Joe Fotalatte El Paso, TX – Hispanic resident Carlos Martinez cast his vote for President Lardass, citing an unexpected motive: he’s genuinely excited about the prospect of deporting his in-laws. “Honestly, I was on the fence at first, but after listening to Lardass talk about deporting 20 million people, I thought, ‘Wait a minute.…

This article was published in coordination with vietnambeat.com, Propublica did not contribute to this article and will not return our calls. By Joe Fotalatte Hanoi, Vietnam –- January 6 insurrectionists who previously fled the U.S. to teach English abroad find themselves re-evaluating life decisions following rumors of a forthcoming presidential pardon. “Teaching here was supposed…