By Joe Fotalattee

Special counsel Jack Smith announced this week that he would be dropping the criminal cases against Lardass. Smith’s decision has been lauded as yet another victory for the skills that have become synonymous with Lardass’s unique brand of sociopathy: lying, name-calling, and demonetization of federal employees.

Lardass’s tactics had effortlessly outmaneuvered due process with his arsenal of denial and deflection. Lardass’s advisor explained, “I mean, we always knew it would work. Just call federal employees ‘the deep state’, throw in a term or two like ‘witch hunt,’ and watch the magic happen,” he chuckled.

“Lying is essentially an art form,” stated sociopathy expert Dr. Ivor Spin, who studies the ramifications of prolonged exposure to Lardass’s diabolical charm. “It’s fascinating to watch how persistent baseless accusations against federal employees not only distracts but suffocates accountability.”

“You have to admire the sociopathic endurance,” remarked Jacobs, an overworked and underfunded federal employee who recently felt the wrath of social media trolls after serving Lardass a subpoena. “It’s like watching a particularly arrogant raccoon steal from the trash—it’s disgusting, but you can’t help but be impressed by their audacity.”

“Society has started to embrace that Machiavellian charm,” noted self-help influencer and existential crisis aficionado, Sage Lethargy. “After all, if we can’t trust a blatantly destructive leader of the people, who can we trust?”