By Joe Fotalatte

Washington, D.C. — The potential future Attorney General prefers compensating underage sex workers exclusively through Venmo and PayPal.The Elf Faced Perv, with painted thin sinister eyebrows, used both methods to pay a 17-year-old prostitute repeatedly starting in the summer of 2017.

“Gone are the days of cash transactions and awkward alleyway exchanges,” the Attorney General nominee proudly proclaimed, “Why should these young entrepreneurs be burdened with outdated payment methods?”

The potential AG maintained that modern payment platforms are simply more efficient for all parties involved. Rival payment apps are scrambling to pivot their business models to cater to this new demographic. “We’re looking at introducing a QR Code perfectly trimmed above the Vag,” said a spokesperson from CashApp. “We’ll even throw in a cute little sex with a US congressman emoji to help underline the purpose of the transaction.”

“When asked about potential legal repercussions, the AG nominee shrugged and said, ‘It’s all about the vibes, man.’” President Lardass argued that such a casual attitude toward legal intricacies is exactly what the country needs in a top lawyer.

When pressed on the implications of underage sex work, the potential AG responded, “Look, times are changing. What’s the difference between this and handing a kid a dollar for lemonade? This is President Lardass’s agenda Americans voted for!”