This is why humanity has given up and voted Lardass.

By: Joe Fotalattee

Jerusalem – In a historic press conference held in a lavishly decorated conference room adorned with the broken dreams of peace, CNN proudly announced an “almost ceasefire” agreement between Israel and Palestine for the 100th time. “This time, it’s different,” proclaimed CNN anchor Anderson Cooper, “We’ve truly reached a tipping point where ‘almost’ means you can bet on infinite rounds of negotiations.”

Palestinian and Israeli representatives were notably absent during the announcement, as they were tied up in their respective capitals redefining the term “heavy artillery.”

As Bibi and Biden continue to mix lethal doses of diplomacy with a touch of theatricality, CNN plans to operate for another century under the same formula that has worked since they first reported on “almost” ceasefires. “Coming up next, we’ll talk about how bad weather might postpone the peace talks, and also, is it too early to discuss terms for ceasefire #101?” teased a CNN producer.