Washington, D.C. — Vice President Kamala Harris’s administration’s would have been nominee list leaked

Secretary of Health and Human Services: Lady Gaga With an impressive background advocating for mental health awareness and LGBTQ+ rights, Lady Gaga would have been appointed Secretary of Health and Human Services. HHS staffers eagerly anticipated whether Gaga would strut into meetings decked out in her iconic meat dress.

Director of the CIA: Taylor Swift Pop sensation Taylor Swift would have been nominated to head the CIA. With a record of narrative storytelling, T-Swift was expected to infuse the spy agency with creativity and insight, ushering in a new era of covert operations.

Secretary of the Treasury: Eminem Extremely skilled in the art of financial rhymes and aggressive negotiation tactics, Eminem would have been chosen to handle the nation’s finances. Given his experiences navigating the perilous terrain of the music industry and addressing social injustice issues, he was set to tackle the nation’s fiscal responsibilities with the same fiery passion he brought to his verses. Speculation ran high about a “Lose Yourself”-themed budget proposal.

Secretary of Defense: Sarah Jessica Parker Bringing a chic twist to governance, Sarah Jessica Parker would have been tapped to lead the Department of Defense. Parker’s ability to bring flair and style to serious issues promised to inspire a new generation of leaders committed to both national security and global engagement.

Attorney General: Billie Eilish In a bold move that promised to bring a fresh perspective to the role, Billie Eilish would have been nominated as Attorney General. Known for her powerful lyrics addressing social issues, Eilish’s unique approach to justice was expected to resonate with younger generations while tackling important legal reforms.

Press Secretary: Joe Scarborough Drawing from his years of experience as a television personality on MSNBC, Joe Scarborough would have been planned to be nominated as Press Secretary. His ability to spin narratives and deflect uncomfortable questions was thought to be invaluable during those inevitable press conferences.

Secretary of Culture: Beyoncé In a fitting move, Queen Bey would have been nominated as Secretary of Culture, tasked with revitalizing the nation’s arts scene with her experience in creating inclusive movements and empowering young voices. Citizens looked forward to an administration that would bring the spirit of the BeyHive to every corner of the country—complete with a nationwide mandatory dance break every Friday.

Director of Communications: Wolf Blitzer In a prime pick for Director of Communications, CNN stalwart Wolf Blitzer would have been poised to keep citizens informed. With decades of experience under his belt, Blitzer was ready to combat misinformation one breaking news alert at a time, delivering daily briefings complete with “Breaking News” sound effects.