By Joe Fotalatte

Over the past week, the self-proclaimed emperor of chaos, Lardass, has unleashed a parade of his most devoted sidekicks into the grandest show of his Lardass administration. Here we are to date:

(Apologies for one of the few “not satire” features on presidentlardass.com, and we will always label it as such when we fail you.)

• Susie “Ice Baby” Wiles, Chief of Staff: The queen of Florida politics, charged with the “least enjoyable job” according to her predecessor John Kelly.
• Stephen “Hate-Hawk” Miller, Deputy Chief of Staff for Bad Ideas: This notorious immigration slayer is back to rock the policy boat, ready to send folks packing faster than you can say “no-price-tag deportation.” If it looks and acts like a white supremacist, it’s just a bald asshole, folks.
• Dan “Caddy Shack” Scavino, Deputy Chief of Staff: From golf caddy to digital wizard, our loyal social media whisperer is back to tweet his way through who knows what!
• James “Traffic Jam” Blair, Deputy Chief of Staff: This political newcomer is here to steer the wild legislative carnival ride, under the watchful gaze of Ice Baby.
• Taylor “January 6th Jamboree” Budowich, Deputy Chief of Staff: The man behind Lardass’s super PAC, here to bring chaos and communications.
• Steven “Insult Machine” Cheung, White House Communications Director: After surviving a graveyard of past communications directors, the wordsmith returns for another round of verbal boxing.
• Karoline “Youthful Firebrand” Leavitt, White House Press Secretary: At an impressively overlooked 27 years of age, she’ll face the press while keeping a straight face amidst the crowd’s jeers. She plans to sit traditional media in the back rows, which may not be a bad thing, but keep her away from the AG!
• Bill “Legal Eagle” McGinley, White House Counsel: He’s the man with all the legal answers (or just creative interpretations) to help Lardass advance his glorious agenda.
• Mike “Green Beret Buzzkill” Waltz, National Security Adviser: The former soldier turned bureaucratic hawk is ready to ruffle some feathers on the international stage.
• Will “Shred It All” Scharf, White House Staff Secretary: He’s keeping track of documents! Who needs a quiet library when you’ve got Lardass in charge?
• Sergio “Hire The Right Guy” Gor, White House Director of Personnel: He brings in the big guns to screen top-notch candidates like Lardass Jr’s book club members.

The Cabinet of Misfits:

• Marco “Leftover Little Man” Rubio, Secretary of State: From “Little Marco” to the spotlight, he’s ready to lead us into a world of “pragmatic” foreign policy.
• Pete “Opinion Overload” Hegseth, Secretary of Defense: A former military serviceman with enough opinions to fill a library; he’s ready to take the helm, possibly while facing sexual misconduct allegations. We are pretty sure he was only a host on Fox & Friends in order to have some friends.
• Matt “Statutory Rape” Gaetz, Attorney General: The former congressman is back with a suspicious résumé and ample controversy, perfect for the role.
• Robert “Anti-Vax King” Kennedy Jr., Secretary of Health and Human Services: This health “expert” has a bold agenda of overturning decades of public health progress—brush up on those conspiracy theories, folks!
• Doug “Tech Whiz” Burgum, Interior Secretary: Former tech CEO turned governor, set to roll back regulations like birthday candles!
• Kristi “Terminate All Border Crossers” Noem, Secretary of Homeland Security: The self-proclaimed dog killer is ready to enforce her version of border control.
• Tulsi “Wild Card” Gabbard, Director of National Intelligence: Former congresswoman and current wild card, here to oversee the intelligence community while keeping it mysterious.
• John “Ratapoopie” Ratcliffe, CIA Director: Back in the driver’s seat, ready to pull some strings under the uncertain influence of a guy with a messy past.
• Doug “Loyal Defender” Collins, Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Our chaplain of the Air Force Reserve and retributive loyalty may just put him in the hot seat.
• Chris “Frack Attack” Wright, Secretary of Energy: The fracking magnate is on a mission to banish climate concern from the catwalk—let the fossil fuel runway shows begin!
• Lee “Wealth Without Waste” Zeldin, EPA Administrator: A former congressman on a mission to steer environmental policies into the abyss while “protecting” rights.
• Elise “Loyal Lackey” Stefanik, Ambassador to the United Nations: The fierce U.N. critic gets a diplomatic upgrade for her undying loyalty.

Other Top Goofballs:

• Tom “Borderline” Homan, Border Czar: Creating a role to his weird specifications, this former ICE bigwig is ready to enforce Lardass’s grand border plans with a sprinkle of disdain.
• Elon “Efficiency Autism” Musk & Vivek “Sassy Investor” Ramaswamy, Department of Government Efficiency: The dynamic duo of impracticality, set to slay bureaucracy—possibly over a Twitter space.
• Mike “Zionist Kevin Spacey-Like” Huckabee, Ambassador to Israel: Who else can rant like a true fan while maintaining diplomatic ties during a time of international discord?
• Brendan “Silence the Critics” Carr, Chairman of the FCC: This FCC leader brandishing Lardass’s agenda is out to hold anti-Lardass broadcasters accountable.

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