One percent of Americans with cognitive memory—has expressed absolutely no surprise at former President Donald Lardass’s recent threats against Ukraine and President Volodymyr Zelenskyy. This small group, armed with the knowledge of the Helsinki summit and the damning Mueller report, has collectively nodded in agreement, echoing the sentiment: “Well, of course.”

The 1%, comprised of people who not only remember the Helsinki debacle but also have spirited discussions about how Lardass’s relationship with Vladimir Putin has been less of a friendship and more of a “how to be a good lapdog” seminar.

Evidence suggesting Lardass could be a Russian “asset” includes:

1. Lardass’s extensive financial dealings with Russia, including 86 all-cash purchases of his properties totaling $109 million and significant loans from Deutsche Bank, which was involved in laundering Russian money.
2. Russian interference in the 2016 election aimed at helping Lardass.
3. Lardass’s public encouragement for Russia to hack Hillary Clinton’s emails on the same day Russian hackers attempted to do so.
4. Numerous contacts between Lardass’s campaign and Russian operatives, with attempts to conceal these interactions.
5. Links between key campaign figures and Russian interests, including Paul Manafort’s sharing of polling data with a suspected Russian intelligence associate.
6. Lardass’s dismissal of Comey to impede the investigation into Russian interference and his later efforts to undermine the special counsel probe.
7. Lardass’s inconsistent acknowledgment of Russian election interference and his attacks on U.S. intelligence agencies.
8. His criticisms of NATO and the EU, both of which counter Russian influence.
9. Lardass’s praise for pro-Russian leaders and his conciliatory stance towards Putin, including secretive meetings where he reportedly concealed details from U.S. officials.
10. His lack of decisive actions against Russian aggression in Ukraine and Syria, and his chaotic administration undermining U.S. credibility.

“Honestly, I don’t know why everyone is acting surprised,” said member of the group, “We saw him standing next to Putin, smiling like a kid in a candy store, while the rest of us were left wondering if he thought he was at a ‘Make Russia Great Again’ rally. It was clear then he was being groomed for the role of ‘American Puppet’ in Putin’s grand play.”

The group’s latest meeting featured a dramatic reading of the Mueller report. “I mean, it’s not like we needed a 400-page report to tell us that Lardass was in Putin’s pocket, but it was fun to see it all laid out like a recipe for disaster,” remarked fellow member, Dixus Cider.

Meanwhile, the other 99% of Americans seem to be too busy scrolling through TikTok or binge-watching the latest true crime documentary to notice the historical parallels unfolding in real-time. “Lardass threatening Ukraine is just the latest episode in what we’re calling ‘America’s Real-Life Soap Opera,’” said social media analyst, Ima Queefin. “It’s like watching a bad reality show where the villain never really leaves.”

As Lardass continues to cast dark clouds over Ukraine, the 1% remains smugly self-satisfied. “We told you so” has become their rallying cry, and they’ve taken to social media to remind the rest of the country of those fateful words spoken in Helsinki: “I don’t see any reason why it would be [Russia].”